12 Lessons from 12 Years of Sobriety: Insights on Behavioral Change and Growth
This week marks twelve years of sobriety for me. Even though it all started with a 21 day challenge, there is so much more to it than that.
Reflecting back, here are 12 of my insights as they relate to behavioral change.
Start Small
I had plenty of mornings that opened with "I will never drink again." Until the next weekend, that is. In truth, I wasn't ready to commit to actually stopping. But sometimes you need an experience deep enough for you to really compare apples to apples. For me, that was three weeks - followed by another, and another. But it was only every 21 days at a time until I decided that this was my new identity.
Find Your Why
Change is often simple. But simple doesn't mean easy. Becoming sober is simple: you stop drinking. But quitting is not easy. Especially if you are solely relying on willpower and discipline. Although a degree of both is still required, having a compelling "why" is the cement that holds it all together. You can have as many whys as needed, and I had a lot of them stacked up.
You Will Leave Others Behind
When you decide to change, not everyone will support you, let alone want to come with you. In some cases, you might become the mirror for others who also want to change deep down, but would never admit to such on the surface. I lost one of my closest friends during the early days of my sobriety journey.
Identity
Instead of only asking what you need to do in order to evoke change, try asking who you need to become. In other words, "How would a person who identifies as _____ be acting right now?" You can even have a larger identity as the umbrella your desired change falls under. For example, if my identity is one that values health, wellness, and leading by example - getting shitfaced with the boys on a Friday night doesn't really jive.
The Lonely Valley
When making big changes, you might find yourself in a strange and lonely valley. Behind you are the people that no longer fit with your new values, lifestyle, or ambitions. But you haven't spent enough time moving in this direction you are headed to replace them with those that do. That's okay. Just know that everyone goes through it, and it's a common stop on the journey to becoming who you want to be.
Anchoring Behaviors
Behavioral change never lives in isolation. Instead, it is part of a larger and intricately connected ecosystem. For example, unless you are a bit more hardcore (and I never really was), most drinking takes place in the evening hours. The big episodes of drinking for me? The much later evening hours. In fact, not a lot of good things were generally happening for me after midnight. So if I just went to bed earlier, I missed that window completely. But what would drive me to go to bed earlier? Getting up earlier. So getting up before sunrise became my new normal in this daisy-chain of behavior.
Have a Backup Plan
Sometimes your desired behavior will face opposition. It might be logistical, psychological, or emotional. But here's what it all has in common: you will stand a much better chance of prevailing if you can predict and plan as many challenges as possible. Nobody wants to get up and fix the roof when there's no rain. But it sure is easier to do on a sunny day. Crisis map as much as you can so that you are not making decisions under duress.
Self-Compassion Is Part of the Journey
I learned the hard way that shame and guilt won’t fuel change, but self-compassion will. When we mess up—and there's a good chance we will—self-compassion lets us move forward without self-sabotage. Accepting our imperfections isn’t about letting ourselves off the hook; it’s about recognizing our humanity and treating ourselves as we’d treat a close friend or a small child.
Emotions Are Data, Not Directives
Sobriety forces you to feel everything—there’s no numbing up or blowing off steam by getting hammered. I’ve learned that emotions are signals, not orders. They’re there to give you information, but they don’t have to dictate your behavior or big decisions. Emotions are temporary and can change or pass like the weather. But underneath the storm clouds, the mountains remain. Those mountains are your values, identity, and reason.
Environment Shapes Behavior More Than Willpower
Trying to change without adjusting your environment is like playing the game in hard mode. Sobriety taught me that you can’t just “will” yourself into change; you have to create surroundings that support it. Sometimes you have to just have the experience in order to understand this. I had told myself this story that staying out late in a club or bar was fun in itself, even without the drinking. So I tried it without the drinking. Several times. Eventually, the story fell apart and I had to admit that it was actually awful without the drinking. So I stopped going.
Change is a Team Sport
In recovery, they say, “You alone can do it, but you can’t do it alone.” Change often requires community, accountability, and support. Whether it’s family, friends, a mentor, or a community group, having people who understand your struggle, empathize, or just pick up the phone can mean everything. This is why programs like AA are so helpful for many people. I can honestly say that if I didn't have my wife (14 years sober) at my side, I'm not sure I would have even lasted a month.
The Journey Is the Destination
When I first quit drinking, I thought a year of sobriety was the finish line. But it turns out, that change is a lifelong journey. There’s always something to learn, a way to grow, an area to improve, or an experience to dive into. The journey itself is the reward, not the endpoint. When you play infinite games, you win by simply playing.
These are some of the many lessons that have helped me stay the course. Whether you’re navigating your own recovery journey, working on personal growth, or setting out on any challenging path, I hope these principles offer even one nugget you can take with you.